when it doesn't work.

In the last month or so, two of my dearest friends ended {long-term} long-distance relationships. I hate hearing the pain in their voices because I know just how much they deeply loved {and cared for} their other halves. With respect for their privacy, I won't reveal much more about their particular situations...but I will give a few words on the topic of what happens when a relationship just doesn't work.

{Image via weheartit}

I can't profess to be an expert on relationships. After all, I have a degree in American Studies, not psychology. I do, however, love my friends--and internalize the pain they experience on the other side of the break-up. As a "survivor" of a long-distance relationship, I find {from observing the experiences of my friends} that they are, in many ways, more difficult to end than if you're in the same city. {Granted, if you're living together, that is an entirely different story...} Let me explain why:

So many times, in long-distance situations, everything is peachy keen when you're together. You trudge through the times when you're apart that may not always be as great, simply because the time you have when you're together is so wonderful. In essence, you block out what is dysfunctional in the hopes that the glitches are only because you're not in the same place. 

{Image via weheartit}
I don't think there is an certain recipe for success except this one: having trust in one another. {Strangely, in both cases with my friends, trust wasn't the core issue, but bear with me here.} I had what could best be described as a pseudo-long-distance relationship through my first two years of college. {b} and I graduated high school together, but he stayed in Indiana for school, while I was studying in DC. 

I had very little trust in the fact that {b} would be true to me, even though I romanticized that he was. It's amazing to me to look back on that experience and recognize where we had it wrong. Though he wasn't concerned about my loyalty to him, my lack of faith in him was absolutely the reason we didn't succeed.

{b} and I are still friends--and I'm sure we always will be. We learned a lot from each other. He will be a perfect catch for someone else, but {b} just wasn't right for me. I will always be grateful for that point of view I gained during those years of my life {and the time it took me to realize it} because I got the most incredible gift on the other end: my husband. I truly and honestly count my blessings every day.

As an interesting aside, I heard about a crazy study by David McCandless and Lee Bryon, while listening to the radio en route to work this morning. Check out this graph, showing where facebook statuses correlated with break-ups over the course of a year:

{Graph included via screenshot from Information is Beautiful}
{Hard to believe just how many break-ups happened on Mondays. Ouch. As Kristy Korcz inferred, it's probably due to weekend fights...or, by my perception, in long-distance situations, when the other party finally goes home. Thank you for indulging my geeky side who loves graphs.}

In any case, I wish I could tell you the magic formula for surviving long-distance or for having a successful relationship. The reality is that it's different for everyone, including my two best friends. As I told each of them, this time will not be easy, but it will be worth it when someone else comes along... 

So, there may be break-ups along the way...but thankfully, we have best friends...and Ben & Jerry's.

{Image via weheartit}
Enjoy your night, my friends...
thanks for listening :)
xoxo {av}

18 comments:

  1. Ben and Jerrys always comforts me:)

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  2. i am currently in a long-distance relationship and this post gave some great insight. me and my bf just celebrated our 1 year and although it has been amazing and we trust each other with all we have, it really is difficult. luckily, i move back home [to atl] this summer so i will be around him more. :)

    that graph is so interesting. i always thought the most breakups happened in the winter.

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  3. long distance relationships are rough -- i was in one my freshman year of college and it didnt work out (in retrospect thank god) but i think if a relationship is meant to work out it will, and if not then it wasnt meant to be (fate much?!) either way lovely post-- and hooray for ben and jerrys :) xoxo jcd

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  4. YAY for ben and jerrys :D Sometimes people aren't cut out for long distance relationships and you're right you need to have complete trust in each other and it will work!

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  5. I always like to check out the ladies who follow my blog and I'm so glad you're following me so I can follow you back. In about a year my boyfriend and I will be long distance and I'm already nervous about it. I'm looking forward to reading your posts about long distance relationships!

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  6. LOVE this post. Had a long distance with my boyfriend, and I'm glad we made it through.

    Distance truly does make the heart grow fonder <3

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  7. ha! That facebook chart it amazing! And from past experience...very accurate...

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  8. I am so sorry for your friend's loss. Long distance relationships turn out to be great learning experiences when they don't work out. It takes two people to make it work. oh, and, Ben & Jerrys make good post-break-up bffs. The graph is pretty interesting and accurate.

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  9. Awww, praying for your friends! Any heartbreak is hard!

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  10. hi there. I am over from "southern wifes" blog. I am also a newlywed and renovating our foreclosed home. love your blog. cant wait to read more.
    jenny beth @LifeOnLyford.blogspot

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  11. I just recently ended a "long" distance relationship (I say "long" because we were less than two hours away from each other which is close, but it's still not the same city). You're totally right about how we block out what is dysfunctional in the hopes that it's just because of the distance. I need to like right that down and put it somewhere. Brilliant.

    Thanks for such an honest post! I kinda did something similar on my blog today, so be sure to check it out :)

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  12. What a great and honest post! Long distance relationships are so hard. I'm sorry for your friends. :(

    Ben & Jerry's ice cream is the best! Perfect comfort food!

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  13. I give a good "wow!" for that chart there. That facebook, what would be do without it? Not feel depressed about how many people are breaking up I suppose.

    Loved stopping by! Thanks for showing us all this :)

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  14. can't wait to hear what you think about the card box and I love love Nancy Ray! I really want to use her! Just hoping she has the date available :)

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  15. I actually ended my last relationship mutrally because he was moving away and wanted a clean slate. WE are still friends, long distance seems so super difficult for me since I am bad at staying in touch with people, BUT I know that when it's 100% completely right, that you'll do anything to make it work :)

    http://annawalker1992.blogspot.com/

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  16. Loved this post! I was in a long distance relationship that ended up not working. We were only long distance for 2 of the 5 years we were together but it definitely affected the relationship overall. I think there are some that can make it through.. but unfortunately it's too trying for most.

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  17. Ah! I was in a long distance relationship for 3 years and it was heartbreaking when it ended. Of course now I'm married to the most amazing man who is perfect for ME and I'm so thankful. But I still remember the pain of my long distance break up. Those almost hurt more because you put so much MORE effort into trying to make that relationship work.
    Although, having experienced distance with someone I loved.. I appreciate that I get to see my husband every day more than I ever would have!

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