open line #1.

Last Saturday, I asked for your questions...on life, on fashion, on relationships, on anything. Later that night, I got a heartfelt email from one of my favorite readers
and that's where this post begins...

Setting the sceneShe and her ex-boyfriend dated unofficially for almost a year and then officially for almost another year. They were long distance from day one, due to his job in the air force. The ex made it clear from the beginning that he wanted to take things slowly because his last relationship ended because his fiance had cheated on him.

She started making plans to move to him at the end of his deployment. He had started to include her in his decisions and she felt like she was very much a part of his future. A few months before his deployment, she went to visit him--but something was very different when she arrived. The ensuing four days were awkward, silent, and pretty much awful.

 The visit? Completely unproductive on the relationship front. She left feeling more unresolved than before. At the root of all of this, her mother was not a fan of the ex. He knew it and slowly it festered--becoming a point of contention in their relationship because it was frequently a topic of conversation.

Two days after she got home, he called and they talked about the elephant in the room: the blatant weirdness during her stay. He was sure they would weather the storm, but he wanted to make sure he knew what had gone wrong that week. The very next day, she got a text from him telling her he was confused...and they haven't spoken since. She made multiple attempts to talk to him, but he never reciprocated. He never called to say good-bye before he deployed and he didn't contact her at the holidays. 

{image via weheartit}

Six months have passed, but she still hasn't moved on. She'd started believing he was her future and hasn't found anyone since who fits that bill. She said she still felt like she was waiting for him...even though she knew all signs told her she shouldn't.

My thought process:
  • finding out that her mother didn't approve of the relationship made me nervous
  • the fact that she wanted to move without a formal commitment from him worried me {I don't mean that she needed an engagement ring, but something which would mean he'd need to ask her mother's approval and try to improve her opinion of him}
  • hearing that she wasn't able to bring up the tough stuff when they were face-to-face because she didn't want to spoil what little time they had together was another tipoff
  • most importantly, the fact that she didn't hear a PEEP from him before he left made me angry

As much as I didn't want to believe it when I was young, mothers really do have a sense about these things. When I heard her mother wasn't keen on their relationship, a red flag immediately went up! The fact he didn't even close the {proverbial} door with her was positively unkind and's as if he wanted her to wait around for him, so that he could walk all over her when he gets back. {Ok, that may be a little extreme...but really?! He should have at least given her some closure after two years!}

My final words to her:
I absolutely understand that you "feel like you should have moved on" and that you "don't want to date anyone else."  You should not feel pressured into trying to find someone to fill the void. AT ALL. I found {cv} when I was absolutely NOT looking to find someone. My life was nutso the month he walked into my life. I guess what I'm trying to tell you is to enjoy what you have right now. Enjoy your girlfriends. Enjoy your loving family. Enjoy life. You've worked hard to have happiness and you deserve it. You don't need him to bring you down while he isn't even here to do it. The fact he isn't giving you any peace about the situation is selfish. You deserve that peace.
 My final verdict on the situation is this: you deserve better. You just have to make the decision to be happy in his absence...and then close the door when he comes home so you can really move on. If you want to keep that door open, just know the opposition you'll be facing {in the form of your mother}. As a 25-year old, I know the importance of my mother's opinion...though my 20-year old self thought I knew better. 

I would love to give you hope that he will come around and that he will realize what he's been missing, and the truth is that I'm sure he will. I just hope that in the meantime, you keep your heart open to the fact you deserve 110% of someone's heart...not 60% or 75%. You deserve it all. It's a decision you have to make...and I know you've been working toward that. You have to trust that whatever sadness or heartache you go through that God really will take you through it...He will NEVER give you more than you can handle

{image via weheartit}

The takeaway: Being in a long distance relationship makes it INFINITELY harder to bring up the tough stuff when you only have so much time to enjoy one another. The reality is this...if you can't talk tough, it probably means you don't want to know the answers.
I'm saying lots of prayers for this dear reader of mine! I hope you will too :) I'm no relationship expert, so if you have anything to add--by all means, feel free! 

Do you have any questions for me? No holds barred line is open!
Until tomorrow, xoxo {av}


  1. SUCH wonderful advice! My goodness, you really went above and beyond in your response- so very insightful and kind! I will definitely come to you next time I find myself in a bind!

  2. I dated my boyfriend long distance for four years. He was killed almost 2 years ago, and I feel like I am still healing. At this point, I don't even really talk about him because I don't want sympathy. I don't like it, and I feel like I end up comforting and assuring the sympathetic person.

    I have soo many thoughts and feelings on long distance relationships, guy behavior, and the definite end of a relationship. We had a lot of little semi sorta ends along the way.

    I really hope your friend has the strength to move on. I know it as taken me quite awhile, but I am finally in a pretty good place. I wish the same for her.


  3. Thanks for posting this {av} and thanks to whoever story this is for sharing.

    Distance is SO hard. My boyfriend (of three years now) and I did distance from different continents for 6 months... he was in South Africa and I was in California and we weren't really sure where the whole thing was going. We met while I was studying abroad and we didn't really have a plan when I left.

    Sometimes it was really hard to keep in touch with a 9 hour time difference and only being able to use skype. Sometimes things got a little wierd when life got in the way and we would go a few days without talking... but we always worked through everything and both of us were able to confront the "tough stuff" like you said. We are also honest with eachother and were respectful enough to tell one another how we were feeling. I think that is key... once respect and/or trust is out the window, it will be almost impossible to hang on.

    I agree with your advice. She deserves better and will find better even if it takes longer than she would like... and she will be so much happier once she is with someone who isn't afraid to committ to her and loves her for who she is :)


  4. wow, you are awesome, such a great and thoughtful response to her! One of my favorite quotes, "It's okay that you don't know where you're going as long as you know He does..."

  5. This advice is so honest and wise.
    I am so thankful I found your blog, I am sure that like me, many other girls will benefit from your advice.


  6. I was in a long distance relationship for 5 years. And it was worth every day. We have now lived together, in the same city for 3 years, and it made the 5 years worth the wait. It is hard, and it sucks and I wouldnt wish it on anyone. What I guess I'm attempting to say, is that, if it doesnt work, you want to know as soon as you can. Its too much work to put in for someone who isnt worth it. Your reader is lucky she learned this before he left.

  7. Wow...this is an intense post. I am definitely with you. This sweet reader deserves SO much more than this guy is willing to give. The fact that he left without saying anything to her is ridiculous in my opinion. He does not deserve her. Thanks for sharing this!

  8. Wow....I'm going to be writing you for relationship advice :)

    Ok, probably not, since I'm not in a relationship. If I was.

  9. hello! i am a new follower! i was in a long distance relationship and happy to report we survived and thrived too! i like the concept of your blog!!! I look forward to connecting with you via blog!

  10. um, woah! what a story, i can totally understand this and have been through a very similar circumstance. we never want to see the red flags that wave swiftly in front of our eyes. blind by love rules us a bit too much sometimes unfortch.

    i love your "open line" feature lades, great advice and insights. on my fridge sits a magnet with the words i try to live by every day "the minute you settle for anything less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for".

    darn hard stuff, i will say a prayer for her. it must have been wonderful that she could come to you with this and have such support in return. you're awesome!!!! happy weekend. ♥

  11. You are so sweet and wise! This post makes me think.

  12. Ohh Im so sorry for that girl and I totally agree with your advice. Hope she will be able to move on with time. Kisses and hugs, darling
    Have a lovely Sunday

  13. your advice was so thoughtful and smart. i was in a long distance relationship as well for a year and half before moving in with my boyfriend...and during that time we only saw each other twice! (he lives in italy) it was so hard but i felt that if it was our destiny to be together...then we would be someday.

  14. I never had a long distance relationship but Military life is difficult. Your advice was right on.

    Write it in lipstick

  15. I think this advice is excellent - good going - REALLY feel for the reader who asked this xx

  16. This is an awesome feature and you gave great advice!

    I wish you had been blogging on this topic when we dated long distance several years ago :)

  17. You gave great advice! And reading about her heartbreak made me so thankful I'm not 'there' any more. One day she'll fall in love with a man that loves her and there won't be any games, and everything will become clear, and wonderful :-)

  18. nice thoughts on your reader's story. i am also in a long distance relationship. we've just started and it is my first time. everything is so fresh between us and so far, everything is going well and i pray to have it last longer and even for the rest of my life. we are from the same country but different cities with an hour flight from the other city. we have agreed that he and i will exchange turnn in flying over the other city. and i am happy being organized with our LDR. right now, he's with me in my place for the Vday. =)

    happy heart's day everyone!

  19. I loved your advice and totally agree that this doesn't sound worth putting up with/ waiting for! you said it wonderfully!